How to support a colleague experiencing domestic abuse

Words by Cathy Press

The workplace may be a lifeline for anyone experiencing domestic abuse at home and might be the only place where someone feels safe and where they are treated equally as an adult and a person in their own right.

As a colleague or employer how you respond to this situation is critical for the well-being of your employee and could play a huge part in supporting them to make a safe disclosure and work towards making a safe exit from their abusive relationship.

Recognise the signs

There are a range of signs and symptoms that employers and colleagues should be aware of and needs to be considered before any disciplinary procedures. The context of the situation is incredibly important. 

Signs might include frequent absence or late arrival to work, taking longer periods of sick leave due to stress-related conditions. Changes in behaviour, being secretive, anxiety, acting jumpy or being on edge. Their mood might be flat or they are withdrawn, or they might behave out of character, have unexplained injuries, or avoid staff social events.

Many victims of domestic violence and abuse do not identify as victims. They can be unaware of what kinds of behaviour constitute abuse and when asked what their partner does to them, they might answer with ‘they make me feel stupid, scare me, threaten me or hurt my feelings’.

What are my responsibilities?

As things stand there is no legal obligation to have a domestic abuse policy in place. However, there is every suggestion that this will become a legal requirement. Having a policy in place is an indication of best practice in supporting staff with one off the most isolating situations someone can face.

What can we do?

1: Make sure your company has a robust Domestic Abuse Policy in place

Communicate this policy exists so your employees at least know the company is committed to supporting staff.

Policies should:

• Spell out the signs of domestic abuse, roles and responsibilities of those who will respond to the victim/employee

• Ensure that identified staff members receive education and training and become the DA Champions among your staff team

• Clarify what the employer can practically offer in terms of financial assistance, paying salaries into separate accounts, additional financial assistance, flexibility to access counselling or other health-related services, signposting to specialist services, access to time and space within work to make calls and other arrangements as well as paid leave, flexibility and time out of work

• Ensure safety in and around the place of work, such as informing security, providing safe parking spaces, accompanying to buses or trains, and ensure that information about the employee’s whereabouts is not accessible (for example, listing members of staff on websites), changing phone number, moving staff member to a non-public facing role

• Be clear about their protocol and approach to perpetrators or employees showing abusive behaviours

2: Awareness of what domestic abuse is and the signs

It is important to note that many victims of domestic violence and abuse do not identify themselves as victims. They can be unaware of what kinds of behaviour constitute abuse and there are a range of signs and symptomatic behaviours employers and colleagues should be aware of.

3: Responding effectively to disclosure

It can take an average of 50 separate incidents of abuse before a victim seeks help. If the response they get minimises or tries to justify their experience in any way, it is likely they will continue in their situation believing there is something wrong with them, they are over-reacting and shouldn’t make a fuss, or that they deserve it and are to blame.

• Take disclosure seriously

• Re-enforce abuse is not their fault – it’s unacceptable

• Victim cannot change their abusive partner’s behaviour

• Reassure them – they are not the only one

• There is life after domestic violence, and you can offer them support

• Domestic violence rarely happens only once, it will escalate in frequency and severity

• Break the silence and talk about what is happening

• Confidentiality and its limits

4: Keep a Record

It is easy for the victim to be solely focussed on the most recent incident rather than the whole chronology of incidents experienced. This may be really helpful in supporting them with reporting to the police, specialist domestic abuse services or legal processes.

The employer can play an important role because it is almost impossible to leave an abusive relationship without support. The idea of disclosure can be devastating so ensure you support their decisions, empower them to believe in themselves and always instil a sense of hope.

Cathy Press has been working as working as an integrative psychotherapist and clinical supervisor for over 25 years, specialising in domestic and sexual violence and abuse related issues with children, young people and adults. Visit www.escapethetrap.co.uk for more information on Cathy’s training programmes and CPD courses.